My email to Ben Polis
Yesterday, the Melbourne Football Club, as well as the Melbourne Victory Football Club and the Melbourne Rebels Rugby Union Club dumped Energy Watch as their sponsors after the co-founder and CEO of the company, Ben Polis, was found to have made a series of offensive comments on his Facebook page.
I like writing emails to people like Ben, as they are often misunderstood and I am very good at looking at things from a different perspective. Here’s one I wrote a little while ago:
Dear Ben,
I am writing this email to you tod
I am white and male.
I am writing this email to you today both to lend my support at this difficult time and (I hope this doesn’t sound opportunistic) to propose a business deal.
I feel that the way you have been treated has been nothing short of disgraceful! (Is it OK if I put exclamation marks at the end of my sentences? I know you have ADHD and I know rambunctious punctuation can set a person with ADHD off, so I thought I’d check.)
We seem to live in a nanny state where freedom of speech is frowned upon in the same way that soap might be at a brown person’s home/adobe hut/teepee. You have done nothing more than say what 99% of us are thinking (closer to 132% in Queensland) and for that you are lambasted and labelled a bigot and a racist and a grub and a fuckwit and rodent with mange and a moronic dweeb and a small-minded cock and a loathsome mouse-dog and a man whose minuscule brain surely matches his minuscule penis and a repellent maggot and a rosy-faced cretin and a small, podgy dipshit and an angry little gerbil and Jake King’s long lost identical twin and a dead carp’s slowly disintegrating prolapsed anus and an unctuous, ulcerous semi-human and probably some other things.
For simply speaking the truth you are chopped down, as all tall poppies are in this country of class envy and progressive taxation.
What a joke! (Hope that exclamation mark didn’t send you into silly antics like Curly from The Three Stooges.)
What annoys me most of all is that upon being labelled a racist, you immediately refuted the claim and provided incontrovertible evidence of the opposite being true. Why wasn’t that the end of it? I too have Oriental help and, like you, am very fond of them. I like to give them a little slap on the buttocks as they clean my bidet in the home cinema and sometimes bow to them as they’re leaving for the day and say “ah so” as a show of cultural solidarity. I also found Mickey Rooney’s turn as Mr Fukkamoto (or whatever his name was) in Breakfast at Tiffany’s exceptionally funny, not because he ridicules Chinese/Japanese people, turning them into a preposterous caricature, but because he inhabits the role and brings out the inherent humanity of those two races. Why couldn’t people accept your affection for Asians on face value and move on? (Maybe next time mention Mickey Rooney.)
And the same for your comments on indigenes. You implied that they were savages and infested with fungal diseases, then said you had no beef with them. Case closed. What do they want? A formal apology? Again?
And, as you so eloquently put it, your comments aren’t discriminatory because they’re totally indiscriminate. You had a playful little dig at all the races, including negroids, Israelites and the car bomb ones. What do the PC Brigade want – a law that says you can only make fun of good honest Christian carrion eaters like Margaret Court?
As for claims that you are a tiprat, I say embrace them. A tiprat is one of nature’s great entrepreneurs, unafraid to get their paws dirty and, contrary to popular belief actually very clean animals (putting aside the Bubonic Plague). You are a tiprat, good sir. Ben Polis the Tiprat – wear that epithet as a badge of honour.
Now to my business proposal.
Are you familiar with the Hero-gram? It often becomes popular around the time of big events like the Olympics, the World Cup and the Aryan Purity Games and allows young whipper-snappers to send messages of support to their sporting heroes. My concept takes that idea and turns it around and shakes it vigorously and kills a dog and makes it better than the original concept. I call it Zero-grams. It gives people a chance to send messages not to heroes, but to losers and nobodies and foreigners. So, for instance, if you’re cut off in traffic by an Asian woman, instead of getting angry, you just open up the Zero-gram app on your phone (while you’re still driving, if you like – this isn’t Communist Russia, after all) type in your message – “You add no value to society apart from insurance premiums” for instance – and then using a series of algorithms and Google privacy short-cuts and maybe some magic or something (I haven’t really got to the ins and outs yet), the app sends that message to your target in the form of a text message.
We could charge 12 cents a character, and wouldn’t have to spend a dollar on advertising – we could just do the Sydney AM radio circuit (apart from the pinkoes at the ABC, obviously). As long as Alan Jones didn’t consider it an infringement of his intellectual property, he would bloody love it.
Once we’re up and running, having learnt from your bitter experience, we would steer clear of the chardonnay socialists and multiculturalist weirdos at the AFL, A-League and Super15s, and go straight to the NRL for jumper sponsorship negotiations. As long as they didn’t consider it an infringement on their intellectual property, they would bloody love it.
As for start-up capital, if you’re now a bit short after the whole becoming a corporate and social pariah thing, I intend to write to Clive Palmer in the not too distant future and will make sure I bring up our scheme.
Ben, sincerely wishing you all the very best in your life, liberty and pursuit of happiness.
Your friend and brother in (Caucasian) arms,
Jonathan Rivett
Haught fact of the day:
Margaret Court is the only dinosaur known to have made it through to the Cenozoic Era.
Other emails I’ve sent: